Another sleepless night. It's 3 am. I just woke up.

This is the first time ever since school started, that I'm switching on my laptop.

Perhaps it's been way too long since I last blogged, but tonight feels as though I've exceptionally lots of stuff that I wish to blog about...

#1

School barely started for a week, and I'm starting to dread it, a lot.

I'm really regretting (once again) for not completing my assignments over the holidays.

(This always happens, I've never learnt my lesson:/)

Piles of homework to do, plus sleepless nights, school really is horrible.

Besides, more and more tests are coming up:/

I really dont like school...

#2

On the contrary, school keeps my mind away from other matters, like daddy.

It's been almost 2 weeks since daddy left...

More and more things have been happening , nothing is going smoothly.

Tell me what should I do, tell me what's this feeling I'm feeling.

I still miss daddy, always will. But somehow, the feeling isnt like before.

Honestly, I dont know what to feel.

Why must everything turn out this way?

#3

I did something today, which made me feel horrible.

I'm not gonna try to find a nicer way to put it, cause fact is, I bitched about someone behind her back.

Not trying to find excuses for myself, but these are things that I've been keeping inside for so long, and today, I finally found another someone whom I can relate to about this whole issue.

This someone isnt that bad. She's been there to listen whenever I needed to talk.

But somehow, things seem otherwise.

I realise, perhaps she's just too overly concerned. Not just about me, but everyone else.

There were times when I really dont wish to say a word, but her continuous "just tell me lah, i wont tell anyone also... you always dont tell me anything..." leaves me with no choice but to tell her.

After today, seeing how she says the exact same line to many another friends makes me stop and think about whether she's truly the concerned friend who wants to be there for me.

And for the fact that she just revealed something that she promised she wouldnt tell anyone, to a whole table of friends today, without my consent, it made me lose trust in her.

Guess what she said when I asked her about it.

"Everyone knows about it. And I know you also want people to know, so I just help you say."

That was totally a different side of her.

I'm really regretting letting her know so much.

She's the someone, who wants to know everything about everyone.

She'd force you to tell her whatever she wants to know.

And when she does know something else that you dont, she shuts you up almost immediately.

I guess she isnt a true friend I can really rely on.

Seems like she just wants to be too many people's "good friend".

Honestly, I dont like how I'm actually bitching about people.

What if she's not like that?

What if she's just concerned about her friends?

Is it wrong of me to be looking at her in such a negative point of view?

I dont know, I really dont.

Is there a change in me? I've never seen my friends from this point of view.

I've never thought of my friends to be like that.

Tell me what to do.

I miss my true friends, I really do...

#4

I dont know if anyone else will actually believe me, but it makes me feel uneasy when I know that someone likes me, especially if it's a good friend.

I admit, it does make me feel happy and appreciated knowing that someone likes me, but I dont feel exceptionally proud of it.

I dont like to be in the situation when I know that I dont like that someone whom I only see as a friend, but yet I know that person doesnt just see me as a friend.

It's a situation when he keeps talking to you and you'd want to talk to him only cause he's a friend.

But, by doing so, you're leading him on and raising his hopes.

Do you know how much I really hate this, especially when he's your good friend?

- and I have been good friends for the past one year.

We can talk about anything and everything.

But recently, things feel different.

Not when he told my good friend that he likes me.

Not when he specially got me a gift when he's overseas.

Not when his concern that he's showing is way more than just a friend.

Not when he actually starts giving me morning messages.

Not when he makes breakfast for me.

All these are making me feel super awkward with him.

And I'd never imagine that he'd like me, cause we've been good friends, and he's always talking about the other girl that he likes.

I dont want anything more than a good friend. I really dont.

#5

I havent been much of a friend to the people around me.

I've been missing all the birthday wishes on facebook, and I hardly even make the effort to talk to anyone.

A levels this year is not an excuse for me to put aside my friends.

I'm feeling really lousy:/

#-

Not many people know about my blog.

There are only 13 of you whom I've told.

I dont know why but I feel really insecure.

Will you judge me after reading this post of mine?

It just seems like,

I'm a horrible daughter and a horrible friend.

2011 was supposed to be a happy year.

But not when there are so many issues going on.

I really wish all these were a nightmare. I want to wake up really soon.