I guess happy endings only exist in fairytales...

You've no idea how much those words hurt...

And you dont know how much you actually mean to me...

You've managed to end my gloomy week with a really big smile(:

It's been so long since I've felt this happy, and I mean it.

I knew I was never wrong about you. ♥

Insecurities; that's what my life is made up of right now.
Every single day, I'd picture something unfortunate happening, people leaving me.
News reports of people losing their lives in accidents, it leaves me with an heartache.
There are way too many deaths related to people around me.
I'm afraid, I really am.

Ever since Daddy left, my life is no longer complete.
That missing piece in my life which was once showered with love and concern, is now filled with fear.
I thought I've moved on, I thought I'll be able to do Daddy proud, but I'm wrong.
Unknowingly, I've been telling myself that Daddy will be back, he's just overseas.
And when I eventually wake up from that moment of self-denial, the harsh reality hits me really hard.

Many times, I've been on the verge of tears.
But what's the point of friends being there to provide you with that temporary moment of comfort to make you feel a whole lot better, when in fact, you're not fine deep down.
And you cant tell them that you're not fine, cause it'd make them feel useless as your friend. Get what I mean?
I dont want my friends to feel that way, neither do I want their lives to be affected because of me.
For this, I'd rather cry to sleep.

I cant express the fear that's in me.
But I'm really hoping that someone would be able to understand how I feel.
Sometimes I wish I were dead. Then, I wouldnt need to live in fear anymore.

I'd want my life to end before anyone else around me.
I really dont have the courage to have people close to me leaving me...

Nothing's going well; I need to be around people who make me feel happy - Delta(:

Somehow I feel that it's been really long since we last met.

I really really miss all of you a lot.

I miss how everything is so real and genuine around all of you.

(Had enough of people pretending to be concerned in school:/)

Cant wait to meet you all next week, really really looking forward...(Y)

Yeeshan: Still cant reply my text?:/ Anyway, thanks for that really nice blog post!! (I look damn sian in that photo though... Haha.)

It's been so long since I've had this feeling of being so lost and confused:/

I actually cried for a guy, but it's not you.

What is this feeling that I'm feeling?

Is this more than just an eyecandy?

I shouldn't be doing this.

Not now. Not him.

School's super duper exhausting.

"36 weeks to Alevels, with hundreds of topics to cover..."

My VP sure knows how to scare us.

My school is turning into a Zoo.

First there was a Monkey, today there was a snake (huge one)...

Friendship VS Relationship...

B1 likes G1. But G1 likes B2 (where B1 and B2 are good friends.)

What would you do if you were B2 and you found out that G1 likes you?

My life isnt the same as how it used to be.

It's now filled with fear and insecurities...

This entire week, I've learnt about the deaths of 8 people.

Among them, two are my mum's colleagues.

One of them passed away in a road accident, on the way back from Malaysia.

He died on the spot.

Another, my mum's colleague's Dad.

Keith has two other friends who lost their Dad.

My aunt's colleague.

Priscilla saw a road accident on the way to school, the motorcyclist lost his life.

Today's the 21st day of Daddy's passing.

But it feels as though he left us only yesterday.

The scene of him laying motionlessly in the hospital still haunts me.

The hysterical cries, the image of my mum hitting my dad so hard to get him to wake up, my brother pulling the doctor by the collar, the security and police trying to get a hang of my brother, and myself, shivering so badly in one corner.

I'm scared.

I dont like how unpredictable life is.

I'm really scared to know that someone close to me might leave me all of a sudden.

I may not know the 8 people whom I've mentioned above, but I do feel for them, I feel for their family...

I'm thankful though, for the people I have around me.

Thank you for your messages, blog post etc expressing your concerns this entire week.

I'm feel loved, I really do.

I dont wish to be a let down, neither do I want to worry any of you.

I'm staying strong, I really am.

But till this fear in me fades away, life wouldnt be the same...

I'm gonna learn to appreciate every single one of you, even more.

Daddy, your absence is felt...

I miss you, a lot.

Another sleepless night. It's 3 am. I just woke up.

This is the first time ever since school started, that I'm switching on my laptop.

Perhaps it's been way too long since I last blogged, but tonight feels as though I've exceptionally lots of stuff that I wish to blog about...

#1

School barely started for a week, and I'm starting to dread it, a lot.

I'm really regretting (once again) for not completing my assignments over the holidays.

(This always happens, I've never learnt my lesson:/)

Piles of homework to do, plus sleepless nights, school really is horrible.

Besides, more and more tests are coming up:/

I really dont like school...

#2

On the contrary, school keeps my mind away from other matters, like daddy.

It's been almost 2 weeks since daddy left...

More and more things have been happening , nothing is going smoothly.

Tell me what should I do, tell me what's this feeling I'm feeling.

I still miss daddy, always will. But somehow, the feeling isnt like before.

Honestly, I dont know what to feel.

Why must everything turn out this way?

#3

I did something today, which made me feel horrible.

I'm not gonna try to find a nicer way to put it, cause fact is, I bitched about someone behind her back.

Not trying to find excuses for myself, but these are things that I've been keeping inside for so long, and today, I finally found another someone whom I can relate to about this whole issue.

This someone isnt that bad. She's been there to listen whenever I needed to talk.

But somehow, things seem otherwise.

I realise, perhaps she's just too overly concerned. Not just about me, but everyone else.

There were times when I really dont wish to say a word, but her continuous "just tell me lah, i wont tell anyone also... you always dont tell me anything..." leaves me with no choice but to tell her.

After today, seeing how she says the exact same line to many another friends makes me stop and think about whether she's truly the concerned friend who wants to be there for me.

And for the fact that she just revealed something that she promised she wouldnt tell anyone, to a whole table of friends today, without my consent, it made me lose trust in her.

Guess what she said when I asked her about it.

"Everyone knows about it. And I know you also want people to know, so I just help you say."

That was totally a different side of her.

I'm really regretting letting her know so much.

She's the someone, who wants to know everything about everyone.

She'd force you to tell her whatever she wants to know.

And when she does know something else that you dont, she shuts you up almost immediately.

I guess she isnt a true friend I can really rely on.

Seems like she just wants to be too many people's "good friend".

Honestly, I dont like how I'm actually bitching about people.

What if she's not like that?

What if she's just concerned about her friends?

Is it wrong of me to be looking at her in such a negative point of view?

I dont know, I really dont.

Is there a change in me? I've never seen my friends from this point of view.

I've never thought of my friends to be like that.

Tell me what to do.

I miss my true friends, I really do...

#4

I dont know if anyone else will actually believe me, but it makes me feel uneasy when I know that someone likes me, especially if it's a good friend.

I admit, it does make me feel happy and appreciated knowing that someone likes me, but I dont feel exceptionally proud of it.

I dont like to be in the situation when I know that I dont like that someone whom I only see as a friend, but yet I know that person doesnt just see me as a friend.

It's a situation when he keeps talking to you and you'd want to talk to him only cause he's a friend.

But, by doing so, you're leading him on and raising his hopes.

Do you know how much I really hate this, especially when he's your good friend?

- and I have been good friends for the past one year.

We can talk about anything and everything.

But recently, things feel different.

Not when he told my good friend that he likes me.

Not when he specially got me a gift when he's overseas.

Not when his concern that he's showing is way more than just a friend.

Not when he actually starts giving me morning messages.

Not when he makes breakfast for me.

All these are making me feel super awkward with him.

And I'd never imagine that he'd like me, cause we've been good friends, and he's always talking about the other girl that he likes.

I dont want anything more than a good friend. I really dont.

#5

I havent been much of a friend to the people around me.

I've been missing all the birthday wishes on facebook, and I hardly even make the effort to talk to anyone.

A levels this year is not an excuse for me to put aside my friends.

I'm feeling really lousy:/

#-

Not many people know about my blog.

There are only 13 of you whom I've told.

I dont know why but I feel really insecure.

Will you judge me after reading this post of mine?

It just seems like,

I'm a horrible daughter and a horrible friend.

2011 was supposed to be a happy year.

But not when there are so many issues going on.

I really wish all these were a nightmare. I want to wake up really soon.

I'm really really very tired, but I just can't get to sleep...:/

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;

When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

There is no life - no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

Daddy, I miss you...

This is so hard...

Will I ever be able to get through this?

All my fishes are dying...

Only two left.

Is this a sign?

going back to crescent last night for campfire was really nostalgic.

though i wasnt really in the right mood, delta's retardness didnt failnever fails to make me smile / laugh...

sorry if i ruined the happy atmosphere at one point, i tried to hold back, but i really couldnt.

somehow, i'm really wishing to have delta around with me, right now....

Kor couldnt attend his Passing Out Parade (POP) cause he missed his rehearsals...

I'm feeling really upset for him.

Imagine having your whole platoon marching off together for the parade, while you book out straight from camp alone.

I wish I knew what to do to make him feel better...

I so badly want the whole world to know how proud I am of my brother, who is amongst the 6 best cadets in his platoon.

Love you so much kor...

Another sleepless night...

*Do not highlight the following if you're afraid of spiritual stuff.*

Yesterday was the seventh day daddy passed away.

According to the belief, daddy would come home.

And yes, he did.

Honestly, I was really scared. I could hardly sleep.

But somehow, the fear faded away after a long while.

I felt cold air around me, I could feel daddy around.

My grandma, who slept with me in the same room, said that she heard a really loud *kiss*.

Daddy kissed me, yes, i think he really did.

The food left on the table for him also shifted a little.

I'm pretty sure, daddy came back...

Woke up to a really sweet message this morning...

"Flower gleam and glow

Let your power shine

Make the clock reverse

Bring back what once was mine

Heal what has been hurt

Change the fate designed

Save what has been lost

Bring back what once was mine

What once was mine

I would sing it to you if I am beside you(:

May it heal your pain."

You may not see this, but thanks Keith...

"treasure your loved ones"

that's what i've mentioned in my previous post, but no, i've failed to do so.

it only made me realise how important you really are to me, when you're gone.

but, it's too late.

there are way too many words left unspoken.

you once asked, "what's the impression you have of me as your father."

annoyed, i shrugged my shoulders and turned away.

but daddy, you're a wonderful daddy, who has always been there.

you dont show it, but i know, you care.

things that you do sometimes upsets me, but i know, you've always had my interests at heart.

i'm sorry that i've never reciprocrated the same amount of love you've showered on me.

right now, i so badly want to tell the world how proud i am for having a daddy like you.

forgive me, for being such a lousy daughter...

a daughter who stays out late on purpose, just to avoid staying home alone with you.

a daughter who fails to have dinner with you often.

a daughter who gives you the cold shoulder.

a daughter who took you for granted.

a daughter who never really cared about how you felt.

a daughter who brushes you away whenever you try to spend time with her.

a daughter who blocks you on MSN, so as to avoid conversations with you.

a daughter who does nothing but to criticise and complain about you.

a daughter who only expects you to give, but does nothing in return.

but daddy, please dont take whatever i've done or said to heart.

i just want you to know that, i love you, and i really really do.

make your way peacefully to the whole new world you're about to enter.

leave without any worries, stay happy.

mummy, kor and i will stay strong, keeping you deep in our hearts always.

we'll all reunite again someday...